Limbo

Even though I still check my mail daily, I have not been in world for days. I hate to admit that the reason is probably because I ran out of lindens, when some building projects got stuck. Sad, because those are the things I log in for now? Where are those days when I logged in, in the morning, with a sense of purpose? And again in the evening to reap the benefits of a simple, but sweet, social life and RP life?

I find myself asking, if those days are gone, and have been since January 29th, 2012.

Even though I have land (which I intend to keep) and (we) have put a lot of work into putting an RP worthy space up there, I am feeling numb about it right now. I have no intentions of getting rid of my land, or taking down the build.

But lets face it, the only thing that is there right now, is that build, and probably some confused people. I am not "physically" present, but I am also not present mentally or emotionally.

I am starting to wonder if I just need Asterinissa (what was formerly known as The Seven Isles) to "exist" even if I can't seem to make it live.

On a personal level, It's not a lot of fun, anymore. I love my friends, and enjoyed their company so much I couldn't let go. But so much of that doesn't exist in world for me, so the rewards I felt are non-existent.

Things (in world) are pretty lonely now. I still love Second life and do not intend to leave. But I just don't know if I can run a decent RP on my own. I have to be delighted by it, and inspired by it.

It has been hard to let go. All the work, and creation, and such, it is so precious to me. But where is my inspiration, and my passion? Is it going to come back?

I don't know. In the meantime, I will keep the land and see if it does.

There's No Place Like Home.

So that other thing I was going to get to.

Why, when we can only afford a 64 x 256 metre of mainland, would we want to continue. When everyone (who belonged and RPed in more than one sim) had a place to go, why would we even bother trying to keep the dream alive?

I have asked myself this a lot. The only thing I did know is I felt a nasty gap in the place my Second Life once was. While everyone else was moving on, I had never felt so alone in-world. You would think I would log out and do something else. But when something has been part of your daily life for so long, it isn't so easy to do. Home is a complicated issue for me in both on and off the Grid, and I admit that this is factoring heavily into my real life at the moment.

So I went looking, at all the many fantasy sims that I could find. (Fantasy is the only thing I am interested in when it comes to Second Life) I found plenty of good RP sims, maybe a couple where we could fit. Either with alts or with seriously modified story lines.

But the reasons I couldn't settle was more than my snobbish frowning upon sims with furry and child avatar hatred. The reality is, I don't have any alts so crucial to my happiness that I could depend on them solely. And editing people out of our main's joint storylines was sort of like erasing parts of their own character's core personalities. Basically, making them different characters.

I don't think it is a secret that the conception of The Seven Isles and it's vision predated me, nor was the philosophy of family and acceptance my own. Except I knew when I found it I had found home. Because I knew when I found it, that this is what I would do, if I were to start a community in Second Life. You could say, that is why I joined up on staff when the opportunity was offered to me. The Seven Isles wasn't just the perfect sim, it was practically my real life dreams of Utopia.

A simple life, something no one has in the real world. Epicurus called it Ataraxia. Ataraxia is very important to me in my personal life as well. I have mentioned before that RP was my Ataraxia.

What I have learned is that out of all of these good RP sims, We actually did provide something unique. No classes, no cliques, no guilds or factions. Instead we had equality, families and trades that helped us express and celebrate our individuality. I have always known that we were never a big and as bad ass as a lot of these other sims, I never really wanted to be.

Uniqueness is not what people usually want, no matter what they say. People want familiarity and mainstream for a reason. One knows what to do and what to expect in those situations, and that is understandable. People like structure and leadership. But for me, those are "chains" in a way. there is a Jim Morrison quote that sums it up for me,

"People are terrified to be set free – they hold on to their chains. They fight anyone who tries to break those chains. It's their security"

What he is saying here, is people can not always feel safe enough to do something with out some firm parameters. Perhaps that is why our community in itself, was unique people without parameters. I can not speak for anyone else but myself, but this is why I felt so lost.

So I guess you could say, our very humble (and perhaps doomed) desire to rise from the ashes are for selfish reasons. However knowing that we had something that others did not, I can not help but think there are others out there seeking what we had. Perhaps it *is* a minority (and Gods know lower numbers don't pay the bills) but I think it is a minority worth at least trying keeping alive.

I just need a world where things made in imagination are flesh. I need a world where children play and explore. I need a place of growth, and intrigue, and peace. If I want to beat the shit out of something I'll play Dungeon Siege

Motivations For Child Avatars Do Not Need To Be Creepy.

I am sort of depressed about my SL lately, I admit.  I find there is always so much to do, and yet there is nothing to do that really inspires me.  Maybe I am having one of those bored-of-Korinna phases, but actually, not really.  I feel sort of limited by Korinna.  I have (what I think) is a cool back story idea, but I would need the help of one of my children (the ones of TOS age.) and they're just not into it.

Lately,  and perhaps oddly, I have been more into playing my Character's daughter, who is only 11 months old.  I am sure plenty of people think I am a freak for that,  but I think I have a very valid (and sane) motivation behind it.

It's really not that I want to be eleven months old again, but there is a certain giddy remembrance of my children when they were that age. Sometimes, we are *inside* of our avatars, but sometimes, we are watching from Camera view, and when it comes to a smaller avatar, the default camera settings always look down,  giving me the feeling as if I am looking down upon a child.

My kids are far from infants now, one is 20 in two days. One is nearly 18, another is a short 13 months younger than he. And my baby is a 13 year old young women. Don't get me wrong I adore my children now that they are older,  we have stimulating conversations, and can share in adult humour.  I love that about us.

But those years when a child is young and innocent truly do not stand the test of time, and memories are precious.  Even though I can not have any more children,  I am one of those crazy ladies who is always a little baby hungry.

So, when I am playing twig,  I find inspiration for her emotes and actions in what I remember my children doing. She is an avatar and a character, and yet she is based on all of my children. When I am playing that avatar, I am having fun, and remembering.  My strange overbearing mothering instinct is fed. I love to dress her up in pseudo classical clothing. and make her toys, and decorate her little room.

My only problem is,  no one is around to baby sit me. And the mother in me who believes in supervised children can not fathom an 11 month old running around without someone to keep an eye on her.  Even if I don't really need it.  Even in the safest place for kids in the world.

I realize now, it was the same when I had my Centaur kid when it started out.  When he was young. I had him at my other favourite age.  I should have kept him there, but at least there I have some closure as I came up for a suitable storyline to write everyone out neatly, and without disrespect to anyone involved. The one benefit of having the older child, though, is I would have had a baby sitter. hehe.  Now I have to find creative excuses when my baby is not around...
When I was SL pregnant,  I didn't do it out of a yearning to be pregnant again.  I did it, really, to prove a point.  That it lasts longer than six days, or six weeks, that pregnant bellies do not talk, that no one puts your pregnancy at risk for standing in your whispering range. That your body tells people when your baby is kicking,  something you can do with your own mouth.  *and* that you could do it for free without loads of scripts that lag everyone else into 2006

Honestly, the limitations and costs of prim babies was a pain in the ass.  This is why I got a Tiny toddler avatar for her instead. Far cheaper, and customizable. When my computer feels like double logging, a mommy follower is all I need, and a gesture that allows me to chat (emote) for her if need be.

But, I digress. I am thinking maybe a smarter-than-the-average- goat and herding sheepdog might make decent baby sitters, in the land of make-beleive.

So they all rolled over and one fell out.

I haven't put in an entry in a really long time, and I have a long list of excuses. My favorites are that my husband suffered a bout of serious illness and needed surgery to unblock an artery (at the ripe old age of 40!)

...and we moved to across the Atlantic to an island where it rains a lot, and the letter 'U' is used gratuitously. In the words of Lisa Simpson "It's a bit of a mystery, yes. But if you look at the clues, you can figure it out." Needless to say I am missing my friends terribly!

So, a lot of change in our real life, and some changes in our SL too. one of our SL kids, decided not to be a SL anything, anymore. It was a drama free departure (if not a little awkward for us both, I would imagine) And she has our blessing, of course. However it does leave us with a sticky situation as far as storyline, and just general "Hey, how is/where's your kid?" I guess good old fashioned (( Out of Character parenthesis speak indicating that she has moved on and we wish her the best, lets not speak of this again)) will have to suffice. I do wish she had chosen a way to write her own exit, however.

Chapter opened and closed, with good times had. The problem *I* am left with, is I did that thing that mothers (In Real Life as well as Second Life) should never, ever do. I allowed too much of my Second Life fall around being a mother. In the process chipped away from the nymph, and the Maenad/Bacchante became things 'I only am, since I once was." In some ways it can't be helped, a tremendous amount had been written to include every member of our family, and make sure everyone and everything had a place and an explanation.

I realize now, that a few weeks have passed, that a lot of the reasons I chose Second Life motherhood, is my husband and I are often too busy to meaningfully connect in Second Life, even though our real lives are very happy, and we both enjoy the work we do in Second Life. Technically we shouldn't need to have a romantic relationship in Second Life, but, a sucker for RP is not much more than a cry for in character attention!

At times I think "It would also be nice to be nymphy, and seductive (of my Centaur) and wild without the example I am laying out for my children." Lots to consider.

I realize that depending on how I go about things, I have an opportunity to try something new, find a new interpretation of myself. What those things are? I don't honestly know. I can say this much, I will not be adopting again unless the other party was an existing friend and confidant, and I am hesitant to carry on with my prim-pregnancy (though at this time I have plans to carry on through the month of September as planned. A lot of work has been done towards this.)

But damned if it isn't hard to "unwrite" or "write-out" a kid in SL. Or a little sister, or an aunt. Writing out a lover (even a long term one) is less complicated than moving on sans child. I could go for heavily melodramatic excuses such as kidnapping, loss of life, mystery of unknown location, but these things would require me to be melancholic at best, and that is not why I log into Second Life. I didn't create a reveler so I could sulk.

In Second Life, we are lucky to be whatever it is that we want to be, but in many ways it is so difficult to erase, or tear up those portions of a character that just didn't work out the way you had thought, like you can on a paper character sheet. As I said before; Out of Character parenthesis speak indicating that she has moved on and we wish her the best, will have to suffice for the time being.

Ataraxia in Edit

Lately, my Second Life has consisted of the following:

Being sick in Real Life, which makes me ineffective and inefficient in world. (lots of starting things and then not finishing them. I hate that.)

Trying so very, very hard to be patient. Which is zapping my social energy. Which I hate.

And building/fiddling:

Building/fiddling has become the equivalent to doodling during class. A sort of zen state I fall into that makes me calm, and serene, but a social jerk. I don't mean to shun people socially, I'm not hiding in my alt, so much as I am building her house down to the finest detail. But I find, I need that sort of ataraxia

RP has always been a sort of Ataraxia for me too. I want to be running around and RPing until we all die, because I love our sim so very, very much. This is where the patience part comes in, I can't do much of that until other stuff is done.

Friends of mine (you know who you are) suffer from builders guilt. Which is described to me as feeling as if you could be busy building something, and guilty for not doing it while socializing. I have something similar, I have a social guilt that comes when I am lost in building and fiddling with things.

That's all I have to say about that.

[Edited to add]

I am trying to figure out what goals, if any, I want to acheive when it comes to the things that I build. Do I want to be a merchant, or just create for myself? I'm not so much torn over the subject, as I am confused based on my own fears, desires, actions and thoughts.

There seems to be some sort of satisfaction that comes along with making a product and having it in a shop, and maybe selling enough to make rent. at the same time I recoil from the idea of having to support my products, my relaxation time being interrupted with complaints or requests.

The worst, is a fear that if I make something, and for some reason that script fucks up in the package (It's happened to me before!) I look like an ass and I have to fix it and I might not have the nerve or time.

I opened a group for a store with a cheesy predictable name I might change. I have a shop space rented in RPM. I don't know if I am ever going to use them, if I should get rid of them so I can focus on personal and sim projects only without the pressure of doing nothing.

That's all I have to say about that.

Dragging out the soap box, the preach to the choir.

^{Edited to add a couple of forgotten thoughts...}

I wonder when the world will accept that the internet and the relationships it builds are valid forms of communication and interaction. Here we are,over 15 years past the scandals of meeting people in *gasp* other countries, we have accepted that filling out a form online and paying a fee can find us a soul mate we would have never of otherwise met, and yet we cling on to the idea that a lot of internet usage, is bad.


What sparked this entry? I was sharing an email with a second life friend this morning, and -- as is common for me -- I sort of went off on a passionate treatise on SL vs RL.  Some of it is copy and pasted right out of the email, as they are my thoughts, and invade no one's privacy.  Most of it, has been said by someone, somewhere, before.

I know a lot of people worry about SL taking over their RL,  and in many ways, mine has; if you want to look at it that way. It's easier for me, as my husband is in world also, so he doesn't have many complaints about my being there.  But I didn't have much of a social life before, I spent so much time being frustrated that my husband could always find ways to entertain himself, when I just couldn't.  For a while it was really rough on our relationship, but I accepted it as I do him and tried to fill my own time, how I could, This was called "The Sims 2" and Writing... a lot.

I wanted to RP as he and I have always done, but he being a very tired hard working guy (and, perhaps, under-stimulated) and us never had a group to play with, it just didn't work..  I wanted to be a part of something, doing something and I was doing nothing. (In the past, I have involved myself with everything from the Autism groups, Girl Scouts, even a spiritual group of sorts, and I put my everything into those things, ending up burned out, and jaded for not being appreciated.)

But it wasn't until Second Life that I felt a true satisfaction, and a lot more appreciation, even though helping to run a sim is a thankless job at times.

In Real Life,  I have a disability (or two) Some of my family members do as well. And while it does not define me as a person, it does significantly limit what I can and can't do in this supposed 'real world'  That minority of people out there who have disabilities but can still do everything are a minority because, not everyone can do it, realistically.  Those of us who can't have to bear the additional burden of being super people too, because the few that can, get exposed and become the yard stick by which all disabled people are measured.

but I digress.

In my case, one of the areas that suffers the most, is my social life. The care giving and teaching aspect of my life, make it hard for my husband and I to have much respite and needed time together. Second Life, is for so many people with chronic illnesses and disability, the way they connect with the world, and feel useful.  The way they get so many of the things Real Life denies them. In fact, I am sure that if these folks struggling in Real Life with a life altering challenge told their doctors, care givers, therapists that they were dancing, and visiting exotic places, shopping, crafting things, that they might stamp their patient files "CURED."

But that would never happen because a) medical communities still refuse to see a lot of internet usage as being healthy, or real and b) because those RL limitations exist in the doctors office, where they don't in SL

So, I'm not so sure that SL taking over is such a bad thing, for me and for many. Or that it even takes over as much as it fills a very valid void.  Don't get me wrong, Real Life does come first. Always.  But as long as no one is loosing jobs, or friends over it, if family and relationships are suffering, this might be a clue that there is a deeper cause for that. Non playing partners are probably the biggest faction of people who do call those of us heavily invested in Second Life "addicted." 

But, they have to understand (hopefully) that it is no different than meeting friends RL for RP, or a drink, or to listen to music or go dancing. Some folks live in areas where there is very little to do (I live in a metropolitan area, and it is hard to find interesting things to do here even for the "abled.")

In my situation I figure happy kids, getting what they need, taking care of their education, getting the phone calls made and the errands done, is a good indication that it isn't taking over where it shouldn't

These are the things I want to say to people who worry about getting addicted, or SL taking over.  Are you really addicted, or have you found a way to meet some personal needs that are not getting met? Naturally, if that is the case you want to spend free time doing it. Naturally, it draws you to it.  Is it fear of addiction, or is it fear of finding that niche in a venue, not everyone accepts as a valid form of communication.  Where real relationships are formed.

I know, in my case, the introduction of Second Life into my Real Life... has been a blessing, and from this, I have healed some things about me that were wounded.  I have friends again,  I have a purpose I could never find in a job I can not hold. I have overcome some social issues, by learning how to use this format to adapt to my needs, rather than adapting myself to someone else's rigid and unforgiving framework.

No one, has called me addicted yet, (though they have teased me in good spirits) But someone can call me addicted if they like. I'm going to call myself happy.

This space left intentionally blank.

My RL has been sort of crazy, well, my RL is always crazy. (It should say something when one escapes from the crazy by going to SL haha) What I mean is I have somehow picked up a sort of "social" family life IRL again. I am NOT complaining about that, it's just changed my schedule a bit, and made my SL time in world a wee bit unpredictable, and I haven't been able to spend time in world in the evening much.


^{Hardly enough time to spin a leek.}

Looking for balance in world and out has been a theme, but I am starting to regain focus and direction in SL, and even if I have not been world as much lately, I feel like I am accomplishing something. And that is worth something.

/redundant