Limbo

Even though I still check my mail daily, I have not been in world for days. I hate to admit that the reason is probably because I ran out of lindens, when some building projects got stuck. Sad, because those are the things I log in for now? Where are those days when I logged in, in the morning, with a sense of purpose? And again in the evening to reap the benefits of a simple, but sweet, social life and RP life?

I find myself asking, if those days are gone, and have been since January 29th, 2012.

Even though I have land (which I intend to keep) and (we) have put a lot of work into putting an RP worthy space up there, I am feeling numb about it right now. I have no intentions of getting rid of my land, or taking down the build.

But lets face it, the only thing that is there right now, is that build, and probably some confused people. I am not "physically" present, but I am also not present mentally or emotionally.

I am starting to wonder if I just need Asterinissa (what was formerly known as The Seven Isles) to "exist" even if I can't seem to make it live.

On a personal level, It's not a lot of fun, anymore. I love my friends, and enjoyed their company so much I couldn't let go. But so much of that doesn't exist in world for me, so the rewards I felt are non-existent.

Things (in world) are pretty lonely now. I still love Second life and do not intend to leave. But I just don't know if I can run a decent RP on my own. I have to be delighted by it, and inspired by it.

It has been hard to let go. All the work, and creation, and such, it is so precious to me. But where is my inspiration, and my passion? Is it going to come back?

I don't know. In the meantime, I will keep the land and see if it does.

Ataraxia in Edit

Lately, my Second Life has consisted of the following:

Being sick in Real Life, which makes me ineffective and inefficient in world. (lots of starting things and then not finishing them. I hate that.)

Trying so very, very hard to be patient. Which is zapping my social energy. Which I hate.

And building/fiddling:

Building/fiddling has become the equivalent to doodling during class. A sort of zen state I fall into that makes me calm, and serene, but a social jerk. I don't mean to shun people socially, I'm not hiding in my alt, so much as I am building her house down to the finest detail. But I find, I need that sort of ataraxia

RP has always been a sort of Ataraxia for me too. I want to be running around and RPing until we all die, because I love our sim so very, very much. This is where the patience part comes in, I can't do much of that until other stuff is done.

Friends of mine (you know who you are) suffer from builders guilt. Which is described to me as feeling as if you could be busy building something, and guilty for not doing it while socializing. I have something similar, I have a social guilt that comes when I am lost in building and fiddling with things.

That's all I have to say about that.

[Edited to add]

I am trying to figure out what goals, if any, I want to acheive when it comes to the things that I build. Do I want to be a merchant, or just create for myself? I'm not so much torn over the subject, as I am confused based on my own fears, desires, actions and thoughts.

There seems to be some sort of satisfaction that comes along with making a product and having it in a shop, and maybe selling enough to make rent. at the same time I recoil from the idea of having to support my products, my relaxation time being interrupted with complaints or requests.

The worst, is a fear that if I make something, and for some reason that script fucks up in the package (It's happened to me before!) I look like an ass and I have to fix it and I might not have the nerve or time.

I opened a group for a store with a cheesy predictable name I might change. I have a shop space rented in RPM. I don't know if I am ever going to use them, if I should get rid of them so I can focus on personal and sim projects only without the pressure of doing nothing.

That's all I have to say about that.

Have you seen me?

I am so desperate for this hair, and yet can not find it anywhere.



(Product found at: http://slurl.com/secondlife/ZARA/58/73/30  But not the hair.)

Also, this hair, which is so similar they might be the same:


But even though this kindly vendor offers a note card filled with hair locations from their models,  this one is not included in the list. (Product found here: http://slurl.com/secondlife/Chinook/253/128/38) but not the hair.

I have bought a lot of hair lately, which always means a lot of fail, even when you try on the demos firest.  But, such is second life.

On the wise words of my dear brother,  I realize somethings have to change about how I spend my time in SL,  it's about balance.  It didn't occur to me until this morning that perhaps if I played more in the land that I love, that more people would be playing with me, and thus, my work would be done.

Today,  I need to spend some time in the RPM, and Brenn though. fortunately it involves shopping for things. Yay shopping!